SIN AND PUNISHMENT

Jamuna sat upright, shocked beyond words. She could not speak for a while. She remained gaping at the phone.

"Hello, hello, Madam, are you there?" The voice from the other end was almost shouting.

Jamuna shook her head and regained her wits. "Sorry, I could not speak. It is unbelievable. Are you sure? Is it.. is it.. really true?" She stammered with a slight hope that she did not hear correctly.

The lady on the other side was sympathetic. "I can understand your anguish, Madam. But unfortunately what I said is true. Your daughter attempted suicide. You and your husband please come here at once." Out of genuine sympathy, the considerate lady did not mention that Swati is no more alive. Very thoughtfully she wanted to spare the poor parents from the harsh truth, at least for a few hours. 'Of course they will come to know about that eventually. May God help them to face it.' She prayed silently, dabbing her wet eyes.

Jamuna is still in daze. What is this? How did this happen? Their only daughter, Swati is studying B. Tech. staying in a hostel since three years. By next year she will graduate. It is only two-three hours journey from their place. So now and then she visits them, not very frequently. One month back, she was here and was very chirpy and bubbly as usual. Even in the initial days also, she adjusted to the new surroundings and hostel life very quickly without much of homesickness or tension.

Then why this drastc step now?

Deepak, her husband was away in Delhi attending a conference. He was also equally shocked. "How is it possible?" He said. "Anyway you take the car and go immediately. I will come directly by night or at the most tomorrow morning. I will tell my P.S. Mohan to accompany you."

The warden of the hostel received her and escorted her to the guest room allotted to her. Only after reaching, she was told of Swati's death. It seems no suicide note was found.

The warden was in tears. "Swati is a very nice girl, pet of all. She is very disciplined and organised. Her room and her things are always in order. No unwanted visitors for her, no boyfriends. She never stayed outside late. She never created any problem or cause for complaint. I am very fond of her. Many times I felt like congratulating you for bringing her up so properly. Even now I can't believe she did this."  

A couple of her lecturers and some of the students also met her and expressed sorrow and shock. Nobody could guess or hint any probable reason for her suicide.

Aarthi, Swati's roommate, was also in tears when she met her.

"She was very friendly, aunty, very helpful too. In fact, yesterday she planned to go home to you."

Jamuna was surprised. "But it was not a holiday. And  she didn't come! In fact she didn't tell us even!"

"Yes, aunty, she wanted to surprise you. She was in a very elated mood and said she will not come to college. 'I feel like meeting my mummy' she said. I had a class at 8 O' clock and went to college as usual. When I came back in the evening, she was still in the room. She was very dull and off mood. Said she got a severe headache and cancelled the journey. I thought she was disappointed with that and consoled her saying, 'It's ok. You can go tomorrow.' Later in the night..." She broke down weeping. "Something must have happened that day. It was not just disappointment. I could not realise then. It's all my fault. I should have brought her out of her shell and cheered her up. But I did not even guess that she would..."

Jamuna sighed and patted her head.

"Is there any boyfriend or any jilted lover or... any other angle?" She enquired anxiously.

Aarthi shook her head. "No, aunty, I am sure. She is not a person to get entangled in such problems. She is respected and liked by all, boys and girls alike."

Later a young man came to meet her.

"My name is Rakesh. I am in the final year." He introduced himself. "We never met but I was looking forward to meet you and uncle. I know Swati. She is...she was a nice girl. I saw her when she newly joined the college. I was immediately drawn towards her. I heard she is..was a bright student. My cousin is in her class and he used to tell me about her. I liked her dignified manners, her reputation in the college, her pleasant nature."

He stopped and wiped his eyes. Jamuna was watching him intently. He appeared good looking and decent. She could guess what he was going to say.

He continued. "Last week I got selected in a prestigious company. Then I gathered courage and opened my heart to her. Yes, I proposed to her." His eyes welled with tears. "She was surprised initially. Then she said, 'I need some time to think over and I have to seek the approval of my parents. Then only I can give an answer to you.' I asked her anxiously about what is her opinion about me. She just blushed and I could guess she has...had no objection. But she insisted, 'I want to complete my degree first. Till then no meetings, no chattings or no outings.' I was very happy and was praying for your acceptance. But suddenly this..." He could not speak further.

Jamuna sighed. That must be the reason for her plan of a surprise visit home. She and Deepak would never refuse his proposal. He would have made a good match for Swati. Then why did Swati...? Was she scared that they would say no? Most unlikely, she shook her head. She knows they are very understanding parents. Anyway without talking to them first, she would not do like that. She shook her head.

After Deepak's arrival, all the formalities and rituals were completed and they returned home dejected and sorrowful.

Life was slowly limping back to sort of normalcy. But Jamuna could not come out of the grief so easily. It remained a nagging mystery as to why Swati had to take that daring step.

After 10-15 days, one day she felt like spending some time in Swati's room in their house, going through her belongings left behind there. Due to her frequent visits home, she kept some of her things there so that she can travel lightly whenever she chose. When she opened her cupboards, Jamuna's eyes are filled with tears. She searched for any clue that may provide answers to her unanswered questions. But no diary or letters or any jottings which could shed some light on the matter.

'Swati is a loving child. Why did she do this? What happened?' She remembered the postmortem report which ruled out any foul play or pregnancy or illness. Her grades are fine and she was the topper of her class. 'What other problems can a bright and sensible girl have? She is always open with me and close to me. She never appeared to be in any trouble. Or did she have any complaint about me or about Deepak? Is she angry with us? But she never gave any such impression. Never! When she came here last or when she spoke to us last, she was very pleasant and loving as usual. No, there is nothing like that. It is impossible that she had any grudge against us.'

She remembered Rakesh. When such a bright future was awaiting her, why did Swati take this drastic decision? Really puzzling. Or did she find anything negative about Rakesh? Even then, it is obvious that she was not so deeply in love with him to attempt suicide. 'What went through my little girl's mind?'

She shook her head. 'Why did you do this, my little girl? What problem did you have? What troubled you so much? Why didn't you confide in me, like you always did? Didn't you have enough confidence in me?' She wiped her eyes.

Something caught her eye in the cupboard. She peered and took it in her hand. It is the duplicate key of their house which is always with Swati. 'Oh, she must have forgotten it last time she visited, which is quite unusual. Normally Swati is never forgetful.'

After closing the cupboard a thought occurred to her. 'Aarthi said she planned to come home. Poor girl! Without prior intimation from her, if I was away from home, which is quite frequent, then she would have got disappointed having to wait for me unnecessarily.'

Though she knew that Swati did not come, she just wondered what she did that day.

Deepak was away on tour and she went out in the morning. 'But I did not stay out for long. I came back soon, within half an hour or so. Because  when I was there, Vinod called and...'

Suddenly she felt terrified. 'Oh, my god! Vinod! Yes, he came that day!' Her knees became weak and her whole body shuddered. She collapsed in the nearest sofa. Did she by any chance stumble on the answer to the unsolved puzzle?

She recollected what happened on that day.

As Deepak was out of station since three days, out of boredom and also as she needed some stuff, she left for the Supermarket nearby.

Then her mobile rang. It was Vinod.

"Good morning, madam" She hurriedly glanced around. Nobody familiar was spotted. "Why did you come and when?" She asked in a low tone. Without waiting for his reply, she muttered "Come home after ten minutes." Then she left for home.

Vinod is her childhood sweetheart. His many responsibilities and obligations, his small job, different caste etc. earned her father's disapproval and she had to marry Deepak. Later he opened a small provision store and prospered gradually. They continued to meet surreptitiously here and there whenever he happens to visit the town on some work. Deepak's frequent trips outstation provided them numerous opportunities.

After Swati left for the hostel, Jamuna became bold and invited him home on a few occasions. But they both preferred some hotels or any other locations for their secret rendezvous.

"Well, I had to meet someone here. So I came last night. How are things?"

She shrugged. "As usual. Deepak is away and Swati in the hostel. And I am here, all alone." She looked at him coyly.

He laughed. "Oh, madam is becoming bolder and bolder. What if either of them come now?"

She shook her head. "No chance. Deepak will be back only on Saturday. Swati has no holiday or vacation. And she never comes without telling me and never bunks college either." Then she remembered. "Did I tell you, last semester also she was the topper in the class." She looked at him proudly.

Vinod fell silent. Then he sighed. "You know, Jamuna, I feel like meeting Swati at least once and tell her the truth and be called 'Daddy' by her. At least once!"

Jamuna shut his mouth with her hand. "Shhh.. Are you crazy? Don't do any such foolish thing. Promise me. It will be damaging for me as well as our daughter." She said with fear.

He nodded in agreement. "Of course, I know. But sometimes...just like that..I wonder.."

Jamuna looked at him with sympathy. "I understand, Vinod, but we can't do anything about it. If Deepak knows, he will kill me first, then Swati and after that, you. Be happy that we are able to meet and enjoy like this." Then added. "If you want, next time you come, I will introduce you to her as a family friend and you can talk to her. But no revelation of any past. She will never be able to accept that. She will hate me like anything if she comes to know about this...."

That was the end of their conversation on the topic on that day. Then they went to the hotel where he was staying. She returned home by late in the evening.

Jamuna came back to the present with a jolt.

Could it be possible that Swati knew?..that her mother is cheating on her husband and that she herself is an outcome of their illicit relationship?

Her throat became parched. Cold sweat erupted on her forehead. She tried to control herself and think rationally.

As Arathi told, if Swati started there on that morning, she would have reached here by around 10:30-11:00 or so. Exactly when she was in the Supermarket. Was she in her room and overheard their conversation? And left home dejected and depressed after she went away with Vinod...to be back in the hostel by evening...in time when Arathi returned from classes?

She stared at the key which was in her hand still. Swati must have forgotten it on that day in her anguish and hurried departure. Now she could understand what troubled her little girl.

"Oh, Swati!" Her heart cried. 'What have I done? Why did I succumb to the temptation? Why did I become so promiscuous and selfish? Why didn't I think of the consequences? I can now fathom your grief...but it is too late. Why didn't you confront me? Or abused me to your heart's content? Why did you think of sniffing out your own young life? Why didn't you kill me instead of killing yourself? The sin is committed by me, why did you subject yourself to the harsh punishment? It is me, not innocent you, who has no right to live and deserved to die.'

Jamuna sobbed out of guilt, repentance and shame. 'There is no atonement for my soul.'

When Deepak came home from office, he found the lifeless body of his wife.