SWAMY'S SUICIDE

           

It is seven in the evening.

Swamy is very sad. He finds not even a single pleasant event in all his twenty six years of life to feel happy about. He sighed.

Though he is an Engineering graduate with a gold medal, he is unable to find a suitable job till now. Not that he is sitting idle after graduating. He got some petty jobs but could not stick to any for one reason or another. Mostly due to his impatience and adamant and straight forward nature. The latest job also has gone since a week or so. Now he is finding it difficult to make both ends meet. He has been applying relentlessly. But with no luck so far. Not even any interview call of late! 'Why should I continue living?' He thought with vexation. 'Why shouldn't I go and hang myself?'

Yesterday he got a letter from his mother. His retired father is seriously ill and desires to see him. Swamy does not know what to do. He doesn't even know what is his ailment. But by the tone of the letter, he suspected it would be something serious. How can he manage his treatment and medicines? If, god forbid, something untoward happens to him,  how can he support his mother and sister? And get her married? All these days they are able to manage somehow with his father's pension without demanding anything from him. Their old house, though small, is a solace due to which they need not have the burden of paying any rent. That is the only asset for the family. But it is not worth much. 'How can I get on with my life? Better end it all.' He decided and went out with an intention of getting a rope.

He remembered Pushpa, his beloved sweetheart, his junior and his life. She is bright and intelligent in studies. After graduation, she was able to secure a stable job unlike him. And could manage her job efficiently without any problem, also unlike him. And highly satisfied too. But she is fed up with his uncertain future. Today when they met in the evening, she told him that her marriage is to be fixed with an NRI. It all came to his mind very clearly.

"How long shall we wait, Swamy? Let us marry. We can manage with my salary well till you get a good one. Don't postpone, for my sake." She pleaded.

But he was unwilling to live off her. He firmly insisted to wait for some more time.

She looked at him with tears in her eyes. "I am willing to wait for ever. But my father is adamant. He has an NRI in mind. If you delay further, he will fix him for me."

"Then go ahead and do as he wants." He shouted angrily.

She wiped her eyes and glared at him. "If it makes no difference to you, then why should I bother? Ok then, it is quits. Don't meet me again. No need to come for my marriage even. Goodbye."

She walked away. Out of his sight...out of his life. Though he snubbed her in a momentary helpless anger and frustration, now he realised the full impact. Life without Pushpa is unimaginable for him. What is there left in the future? All these days, the idea of sharing his future with his beloved has been the only hope and motivating factor for him. She will prove to be the ideal life partner for him, a moody and short tempered man, with her pleasant and soft disposition. Suddenly he felt rudderless and depressed. 'Suicide is the only way out for me. It is better than this insipid and useless life.' He thought.

He entered his room with the rope in hand and closed the door. After fixing it to serve his purpose, he remembered another thing.

'I have to write a suicide note, don't I?' He started writing.

"I lost interest in my useless life. I wish to end it all. Nobody is resposible for my action."

He wrote and signed. He cursed all his past employers who harassed him and finally showed him the door. And all the employers of the universe none of whom could offer him a decent job and a chance to live peacefully.

Pradeep is still busy in his office going through the applications of job aspirants when one name caught his attention. K. P. Swamy...he read. Is it his classmate some years back? He looked at the details and confirmed. He is indeed his classmate in Engineering. The bright and studious prized student of the class. Why is he presenting such a poor biodata? No suitable job for so long? What happened? He is a straight and sincere boy. And a firebrand too. Perhaps that may be the reason. But if properly handled, he will prove to be an asset to any company.

Pradeep, after working in a top firm for some years, left it and started his own company which is flourishing well. Swamy will be an added asset surely. He reached for his phone to contact him with an attractive offer but hesitated. No, he may not like any favour and may refuse. Although he will be doing it for the good of his own company, he may not accept it.

'Let him come through proper procedure. I will e-mail an interview letter and without his knowledge, get the HR select him with a nice package.'

Swamy felt very sorry for his parents. Being retired, they are badly in need of him and his support in all matters. But here he is...ditching them and shirking from his duties. 'Forgive me.' He prayed with all his heart.

Janaki looked at her husband who is sleeping. But she knows very well that he is very disturbed inside his heart. They both are worried a lot about Swamy, their only son. Though they struggled  very much and made him well educated, it seems that is not enough. He is unable to find any suitable job. God knows how he is surviving in the city. She remembered their conversation a few days back.

That day Ramamurthy was gloomy about Swamy, more than usual.  "When did we last see him, Janaki? How long back? I miss him and I am worried about his welfare.  What should we do? Why is he not getting a suitable job? God forbid, he does not take any drastic step in frustration, I pray. I feel like meeting him at least once and reassure him to take everything easy. By the grace of god, we can get along, though tightly, for some more time till he gets a good job. Yes, we can manage somehow. He need not worry too much. Meenu's marriage can wait for some days. No hurry yet for that either. I want to talk to him all these matters calmly and in detail and convince him. Letters do not give the satisfaction, being one sided. I like to talk to him in person. But how?" He was almost in tears.

Janaki wiped her eyes. "Me too wish similarly. Let us write to him requesting him to come once."

He shook his head. "How many times did we write? He never feels like showing his face to us as an unemployed."

She thought for a while. "Then I will write that you are not well. Then he will come immediately." She said hopefully.

His face brightened. But then on second thoughts he shook his head. "No, he may feel tense and worried. Why troubling him, as if he is not having enough problems of his own?"

He sighed. "I failed as a father, it seems. I should have made him a Post Graduate or an MBA. What is a mere B. Tech these days? I failed in my duty. That is why he has to struggle so hard now! He is suffering due to my inability!" He repented.

Janaki felt heavy watching his grief. She thought for a long time and decided to go ahead. She posted a letter to him a few days back. He must have received it by now. What would he think? He must be feeling tense and worried.

'Had I done a wrong thing?' she pondered. 'It is a lie that his father is seriously ill, but it is true that we both desire to see him. If I wrote like that, he will not come. It happened so many times.  That is why I had to write like that. How long it is since we saw him or talked to him to heart's content?'

She shook her head. 'No, nothing wrong, not at all. I want to see him, at any cost. And his father too. Unless he has a heart to heart talk with his son, he will not feel relieved and relaxed. That's all.' She concluded determinedly. 'Swamy will come in a day or two. I will persuade him to stay with us for some days. It will do good to both father and son.'

Swamy dragged the chair to the center of the room and paused before climbing it. He continued to ponder. Pushpa! What a sweet girl! An ideal life partner for any man. But he is not that fortunate. He does not deserve her. Good that they broke off with her hating him. Now at least she will be happy wiping off all his memories and forgetting all about him, the unworthy creature. He wished her a happy future with all his heart.

Pushpa is unable to control her tears. Just to force a decision from the indecisive Swamy, she invented the NRI. But it backfired. How easily he dismissed her! But it is not his fault. Poor fellow! He is deeply depressed and need her now more than ever. She regretted the evening and her words. She should make amends. She wiped her tears and picked her phone but stopped before dialling his number. No, she will meet him personally tomorrow and patch up.

She opened her laptop and checked her mails. Then she opened Swamy's mail. As he is not having any laptop or PC and cannot afford to visit the internet cafes frequently, he gave her his password to check his mails for any responses to his applications.

Lo, she found an interview call for him from a good firm. It is four days away. She is jubilant. Whatever maybe the result of the interview, she decided to be by his side forever. She closed the laptop and went to bed relieved.

Swamy knotted the rope and  put it around the neck.

Suddenly his knees felt weak. He felt everything is meaningless. Why should he become such a cynic! Can't he earn a decent living somehow? Is it such a difficult task?

He remembered the boys who deliver newspapers and milk packets in the locality. And the salesmen in the shops and supermarkets attending to the customers, handing over their requirements and delivering the goods at their doorstep according to demand. And the tea shop owner round the corner and the boys helping him. And the waiters and servers in the restaurants. And the auto and cab drivers.

'Why should I look only for white collared jobs with fat salaries? Can I not work to earn my living? Does my Engineering degree prohibit it? Not at all! Then why this despair and depression? Be practical, Swamy!' He told himself. 'And wise. Why should you take your life without trying fully? Ok, if Pushpa left you, what is the big deal? Why should you leave your family orphaned and devastated with a momentarily hasty decision.'

He sat in the chair. 'I will be a new man from tomorrow. No more depression or frustration. Tomorrow will open a new chapter in my life. I will face and shape my life, not run away from it.'

With a determined mind he removed and threw the rope away and went to sleep with a light heart.