GOING ON VANAPRASTHAM... PRAKASAM'S STYLE

Vimala finished her lunch and feeling very tired, relaxed on the bed. The fever subsided today after 2-3 days but the weakness is still persisting. Slowly she dozed off. After a deep nap, she woke up with a start. It was past 3 O' clock. 'Already three! But why, Prakasam is not yet back?' She wondered. He went to attend a marriage function. As she was too weak to go, he had to go alone. 'The hosts, Narayanas are long time friends. They must have detained Prakasam. But still, it is quite late!' She was worried. 

'Ever since his retirement, Prakasam is starving for company. He must have met many old friends there and forgot all about time. Still, it is too much! Leaving a sick wife all alone at home, how can he enjoy there?' She thought angrily and dialed his mobile. The ringing tone came from the bedroom and she frowned.

'He is so careless at times! Not even remembers to take the mobile with him! No thought about me at all!' She muttered. She thought of calling Narayana but stopped. 'He must be busy with the marriage function. It is not proper to disturb him now.' 

'Had he gone to some other place,...to visit any relatives or...?" 

Vimala shook her head. 'In that case he would have called..' Then she remembered that his mobile is not with him. 

She tried to remember if he mentioned anything about going anywhere on any important work! Or..? Her mind was filled with unknown fear. Did he have any problem or any mishap...?

The doorbell rang. She jumped. 'Oh, I am unnecessarily worrying. It must be him and he must have forgotten to take the key also.' Thinking thus, she opened the door, sure that it must be Prakasam. But no, it is Krishna, a friend.

"Why, Vimala? How are you? Where is Prakasam? I expected him at the marriage of Deepa. Why didn't he turn up?"

Vimala frowned. "He left for the marriage, isn't he there?" 

"Really? He didn't come. Yesterday he was saying that you were not well and his attending is doubtful. I thought perhaps you are still sick and came to have a look... What happened to him?" 

Vimala's jaw dropped. "He left at 10 O'clock itself. I thought he is still there. Do you think he met with any problem?" Her legs became weak and she slumped into the sofa. 

Krishna looked at the watch. "It is past 5 O'clock now." He did not know what to do. He was also doubting the same but did not want to frighten her. "No, no, don't think like that. I will call some of our friends and find out. You give me the numbers of your relatives. Let us enquire all."

Suddenly she remembered their repeated conversations since a few days.

That day he was in down and low spiris and rather pensive and philosophical mood. He put down the novel he was reading and sighed.

"What is the use, Vimala, in living a long life? I fulfilled all my responsibilities and retired. Better to leave everything and go away, out of the sight of everybody." He sighed. "Before I develop some health problems and get bedridden....before I become a burden to others....how about leaving it all and go away? Like the hero in this novel? How peaceful he felt then!"

Vimala looked at him surprised. "What happened to you? Why are you talking like that? Relax and enjoy the peaceful retired life. What is wrong with you? Or shall we visit Madhu and Nirmala and spend some days with them? It will be a change for us and you will feel better." She suggested.

He smiled wryly. "We should not get too much attached to the children, Vimala. They have their own life. I had enough of the pleasure of the children and grandchildren. Now it is time to withdraw from the world."

"Ok, then, do it here itself. Where is the need to go away somewhere?" She said in a lighter vein.

"No, it is not ideal. You don't understand my point. Didn't you hear about Vanaprastham our elders suggest? Now it is the time for that."

"But where do you want to go?"

He was thoughtful. "Anywhere. Far away from these surroundings. Just disappear from the scene. How about going to some ashram somewhere? I should make enquiries." 

From that day onwards he started talking very frequently about going away to somewhere like Himalayas or some such remote place. She tried very hard to dissuade such talk and divert his mind. 

One day vexed with his repeated talk on the same lines, she said, "Ok, then. We both will go together." 

He smiled. "No, Vimala, it is not yet time for you. Our children will take good care of you, I am sure. Also, if we both go together, it will not serve my purpose of renouncing the world."

'Did he put it into practice now? Did he find any suitable destination? Did he leave the mobile behind on purpose?' Her face blanched. 

She went inside. In their bedroom she found not only his mobile, but his purse and his house keys too. She came out and sat still like a statue having her suspicions confirmed.

Krishna put down the receiver and shook his head. "No information, Vimala. No one heard or met him. What shall we do? Shall we complain to the police? Perhaps he met with some..." He could not complete.

Vimala shook her head. "No use, Krishna, absolutely no use. He left on purpose on his own." She started sobbing.

"On his own? On purpose? What do you mean?" Krishna looked puzzled. Vimala told him about Prakasam's recent talks and her apprehensions. "That's why he did not take either his mobile or his purse or the house keys. He just left.." She concluded.

 Krishna listened with wide eyes and open mouth. 

"I don't think you are right. How can he...?" After second thoughts he added, "Of course, of late he has been talking on those lines with me too. But I never thought he is serious about that."

Vimala looked at him triumphantly. "See what I meant? Definitely he went away...ran away... From me....his wife of more than three decades! Without telling me..or at least leaving a small note..." She could not speak further.

He sighed. Both sat silently. After some time, Janaki, his wife also came and joined them as he called and told her the news. She too suggested going to the police but Vimala did not agree. "What for, Janaki? When he so strongly wants to leave, what can we gain by tracing him? No, let us leave him alone." She declared with tears streaming down.

The couple tried to console her and made her eat something. They decided to spend the night there and see what should be done in the morning. 

Next day started on a dull note. Vimala who could not sleep properly was wide awake by sunrise. Mulling over the happenings of the previous day, she again started to cry. Her heart refused to believe that her husband so cruelly left her. What is the use of her continuing to live? How about ending it all....just like he left this scene..

Janaki approached her. "Give me the numbers of Madhu and Nirmala, Vimala. We will ask them to come. And your brother in Chennai too..."

Vimala looked at her blankly. She realised that she has to inform them all. She obliged silently. Krishna sat with the phone.

Then the phone rang. It was Prakasam's mobile! Confused, she picked it up.

"Is it Mr. Prakasam's residence? I am speaking from Karuna Nursing Home. Yesterday a patient by name Prakasam was admitted here after an accident..."

Vimala shrieked, "How is he? I am his wife. What happened to him?"

Krishna and Janaki rushed to her.

"Nothing to worry. He is fine. He got severe injuries....."

"I am coming immediately." She switched off the mobile and looked at them. They all hurried to the hospital.

After a week, Prakasam was discharged from the hospital and lying on his bed, he looked at his children who came with their families immediately after receiving Krishna's call, Krishna, Janaki, and other close relatives, who all gathered around him. Then he narrated about that day. 

"I started for the marriage and as I was on the way, my auto lost control and overturned. I lost consciousness and when I opened my eyes, I found  myself in the hospital. It seems I was unconscious for a long time and after that, was under heavy sedation. That day unfortunately I forgot my mobile and my purse too. So nobody knew anything about my name or address. Only the next day, after I regained my consciousness fully, I could give them my details and phone number. Meanwhile these people decided that I ran away from the house and not even bothered to make enquiries!" He pouted.

Vimala felt ashamed. "What else can I do? You went on talking about going away again and again. That stuck to my mind deeply. Added to that as I was sick on that day, I could not think properly. Now I feel really sorry and stupid to conclude so."

Prakasam laughed heartily. "Don't feel guilty, Vimala, it serves me right to engage in loose talk. But I am glad that you did not resort to any drastic step on that count. I would never be able to forgive myself if any such thing happened." Then he added in a mischievous tone, "Even if I decide to go away, I promise, I will never choose a day when you are sick."

She looked at him angrily and was about to retort.

He laughed and drew her near. She wiped her tears and smilled. The onlookers looked at them in amusement and with relief. 

.

SWAMY'S SUICIDE

           

It is seven in the evening.

Swamy is very sad. He finds not even a single pleasant event in all his twenty six years of life to feel happy about. He sighed.

Though he is an Engineering graduate with a gold medal, he is unable to find a suitable job till now. Not that he is sitting idle after graduating. He got some petty jobs but could not stick to any for one reason or another. Mostly due to his impatience and adamant and straight forward nature. The latest job also has gone since a week or so. Now he is finding it difficult to make both ends meet. He has been applying relentlessly. But with no luck so far. Not even any interview call of late! 'Why should I continue living?' He thought with vexation. 'Why shouldn't I go and hang myself?'

Yesterday he got a letter from his mother. His retired father is seriously ill and desires to see him. Swamy does not know what to do. He doesn't even know what is his ailment. But by the tone of the letter, he suspected it would be something serious. How can he manage his treatment and medicines? If, god forbid, something untoward happens to him,  how can he support his mother and sister? And get her married? All these days they are able to manage somehow with his father's pension without demanding anything from him. Their old house, though small, is a solace due to which they need not have the burden of paying any rent. That is the only asset for the family. But it is not worth much. 'How can I get on with my life? Better end it all.' He decided and went out with an intention of getting a rope.

He remembered Pushpa, his beloved sweetheart, his junior and his life. She is bright and intelligent in studies. After graduation, she was able to secure a stable job unlike him. And could manage her job efficiently without any problem, also unlike him. And highly satisfied too. But she is fed up with his uncertain future. Today when they met in the evening, she told him that her marriage is to be fixed with an NRI. It all came to his mind very clearly.

"How long shall we wait, Swamy? Let us marry. We can manage with my salary well till you get a good one. Don't postpone, for my sake." She pleaded.

But he was unwilling to live off her. He firmly insisted to wait for some more time.

She looked at him with tears in her eyes. "I am willing to wait for ever. But my father is adamant. He has an NRI in mind. If you delay further, he will fix him for me."

"Then go ahead and do as he wants." He shouted angrily.

She wiped her eyes and glared at him. "If it makes no difference to you, then why should I bother? Ok then, it is quits. Don't meet me again. No need to come for my marriage even. Goodbye."

She walked away. Out of his sight...out of his life. Though he snubbed her in a momentary helpless anger and frustration, now he realised the full impact. Life without Pushpa is unimaginable for him. What is there left in the future? All these days, the idea of sharing his future with his beloved has been the only hope and motivating factor for him. She will prove to be the ideal life partner for him, a moody and short tempered man, with her pleasant and soft disposition. Suddenly he felt rudderless and depressed. 'Suicide is the only way out for me. It is better than this insipid and useless life.' He thought.

He entered his room with the rope in hand and closed the door. After fixing it to serve his purpose, he remembered another thing.

'I have to write a suicide note, don't I?' He started writing.

"I lost interest in my useless life. I wish to end it all. Nobody is resposible for my action."

He wrote and signed. He cursed all his past employers who harassed him and finally showed him the door. And all the employers of the universe none of whom could offer him a decent job and a chance to live peacefully.

Pradeep is still busy in his office going through the applications of job aspirants when one name caught his attention. K. P. Swamy...he read. Is it his classmate some years back? He looked at the details and confirmed. He is indeed his classmate in Engineering. The bright and studious prized student of the class. Why is he presenting such a poor biodata? No suitable job for so long? What happened? He is a straight and sincere boy. And a firebrand too. Perhaps that may be the reason. But if properly handled, he will prove to be an asset to any company.

Pradeep, after working in a top firm for some years, left it and started his own company which is flourishing well. Swamy will be an added asset surely. He reached for his phone to contact him with an attractive offer but hesitated. No, he may not like any favour and may refuse. Although he will be doing it for the good of his own company, he may not accept it.

'Let him come through proper procedure. I will e-mail an interview letter and without his knowledge, get the HR select him with a nice package.'

Swamy felt very sorry for his parents. Being retired, they are badly in need of him and his support in all matters. But here he is...ditching them and shirking from his duties. 'Forgive me.' He prayed with all his heart.

Janaki looked at her husband who is sleeping. But she knows very well that he is very disturbed inside his heart. They both are worried a lot about Swamy, their only son. Though they struggled  very much and made him well educated, it seems that is not enough. He is unable to find any suitable job. God knows how he is surviving in the city. She remembered their conversation a few days back.

That day Ramamurthy was gloomy about Swamy, more than usual.  "When did we last see him, Janaki? How long back? I miss him and I am worried about his welfare.  What should we do? Why is he not getting a suitable job? God forbid, he does not take any drastic step in frustration, I pray. I feel like meeting him at least once and reassure him to take everything easy. By the grace of god, we can get along, though tightly, for some more time till he gets a good job. Yes, we can manage somehow. He need not worry too much. Meenu's marriage can wait for some days. No hurry yet for that either. I want to talk to him all these matters calmly and in detail and convince him. Letters do not give the satisfaction, being one sided. I like to talk to him in person. But how?" He was almost in tears.

Janaki wiped her eyes. "Me too wish similarly. Let us write to him requesting him to come once."

He shook his head. "How many times did we write? He never feels like showing his face to us as an unemployed."

She thought for a while. "Then I will write that you are not well. Then he will come immediately." She said hopefully.

His face brightened. But then on second thoughts he shook his head. "No, he may feel tense and worried. Why troubling him, as if he is not having enough problems of his own?"

He sighed. "I failed as a father, it seems. I should have made him a Post Graduate or an MBA. What is a mere B. Tech these days? I failed in my duty. That is why he has to struggle so hard now! He is suffering due to my inability!" He repented.

Janaki felt heavy watching his grief. She thought for a long time and decided to go ahead. She posted a letter to him a few days back. He must have received it by now. What would he think? He must be feeling tense and worried.

'Had I done a wrong thing?' she pondered. 'It is a lie that his father is seriously ill, but it is true that we both desire to see him. If I wrote like that, he will not come. It happened so many times.  That is why I had to write like that. How long it is since we saw him or talked to him to heart's content?'

She shook her head. 'No, nothing wrong, not at all. I want to see him, at any cost. And his father too. Unless he has a heart to heart talk with his son, he will not feel relieved and relaxed. That's all.' She concluded determinedly. 'Swamy will come in a day or two. I will persuade him to stay with us for some days. It will do good to both father and son.'

Swamy dragged the chair to the center of the room and paused before climbing it. He continued to ponder. Pushpa! What a sweet girl! An ideal life partner for any man. But he is not that fortunate. He does not deserve her. Good that they broke off with her hating him. Now at least she will be happy wiping off all his memories and forgetting all about him, the unworthy creature. He wished her a happy future with all his heart.

Pushpa is unable to control her tears. Just to force a decision from the indecisive Swamy, she invented the NRI. But it backfired. How easily he dismissed her! But it is not his fault. Poor fellow! He is deeply depressed and need her now more than ever. She regretted the evening and her words. She should make amends. She wiped her tears and picked her phone but stopped before dialling his number. No, she will meet him personally tomorrow and patch up.

She opened her laptop and checked her mails. Then she opened Swamy's mail. As he is not having any laptop or PC and cannot afford to visit the internet cafes frequently, he gave her his password to check his mails for any responses to his applications.

Lo, she found an interview call for him from a good firm. It is four days away. She is jubilant. Whatever maybe the result of the interview, she decided to be by his side forever. She closed the laptop and went to bed relieved.

Swamy knotted the rope and  put it around the neck.

Suddenly his knees felt weak. He felt everything is meaningless. Why should he become such a cynic! Can't he earn a decent living somehow? Is it such a difficult task?

He remembered the boys who deliver newspapers and milk packets in the locality. And the salesmen in the shops and supermarkets attending to the customers, handing over their requirements and delivering the goods at their doorstep according to demand. And the tea shop owner round the corner and the boys helping him. And the waiters and servers in the restaurants. And the auto and cab drivers.

'Why should I look only for white collared jobs with fat salaries? Can I not work to earn my living? Does my Engineering degree prohibit it? Not at all! Then why this despair and depression? Be practical, Swamy!' He told himself. 'And wise. Why should you take your life without trying fully? Ok, if Pushpa left you, what is the big deal? Why should you leave your family orphaned and devastated with a momentarily hasty decision.'

He sat in the chair. 'I will be a new man from tomorrow. No more depression or frustration. Tomorrow will open a new chapter in my life. I will face and shape my life, not run away from it.'

With a determined mind he removed and threw the rope away and went to sleep with a light heart.