LIFE AFTER RETIREMENT

I never thought that life after retirement would be like this; I mean my life after my husband’s retirement. No, not even in my wildest dreams did I bargain for this state of affairs!

A few days before my husband’s retirement, my children and I had an emergency meeting to discuss the best strategy to handle the problems which would arise after the Big Day.

In fact, it was not my idea. I was like- “What is the big deal about this? From times immemorial, I had been handling all sorts of crises – that too quite efficiently.”

“That is your own assessment” Both my kids interrupted. After receiving a fiery glare from me, they changed tracks hastily. Of course they mastered that art long back. “This is different, mum, very, very different.”

I frowned. “Different? How? Is it different from his transfer blues or interview blues or promotion blues or what not?”

“No, no, mummy. Of course this is much more serious. Why don’t you understand? We hear so many of our friends lamenting about how difficult it is to cope with a retiree’s mood- offs and frustrations and bring him out of his depression.” 

They went on narrating story after story of the problematic retirees who became most obstinate and bitter overnight and their suffering spouses and families. Till then I never gave any serious thought to the situation, post- my husband’s retirement. But their words scared me a bit. I started gathering some first hand facts from other sources about the various scenarios following a retirement in the family. Then the scare was ten- folded.

Some of the stories ran like this.

One retiree started nagging his wife to no end. We all know she is a perfect homemaker with good organisational and planning skills. Her house is always spic and span. He himself used to feel proud of that before. But now all of a sudden, he started finding dust and rubbish everywhere and criticising her in each and everything to such an alarming extent that the poor lady was shattered and had a nervous breakdown.

Another one started rummaging wife’s wardrobe and commenting, “Why do you buy so many saris? All these years I was not aware that you are wasting my hard earned money so much. No more new clothes in the near future.” He decreed. Then he started inspecting the kitchen and concluded that she is cooking much more than the required quantity. Now he is busy trying to control that too.

One lady is socially very active with a large circle of friends and umpteen number of activities. Most of the daytime she is busy with the telephone. Her retired husband put a curb on her outgoing calls and with nothing better to do, started eavesdropping whenever she got a call. He used to listen to her side of the conversation and bombard her with prolonged cross examination afterwards with, “Why did you say like this or what do you mean when you said like that?” The lady was driven to near madness. Telephone is the prime lifeline for her. But now she shudders whenever the phone rings.

Another one took upon himself the duty of entertaining his wife’s friends and relatives whenever they drop in. Very soon their house was boycotted by most. People told her very plainly, “Whenever you feel like, you are most welcome to our house. But don’t invite us over and don’t blame us for not reciprocating.” Of course, this suited the lady also, who could well appreciate their hardship in tolerating her husband’s company for long. Now she spends most of her daytime here and there.

Then there is the one who likes to meddle with the maid’s work and is ever critical of his wife’s handling of her. As a result, no maid survives in their house beyond a week or two. And another one, fully enjoying the retired life, became quite lazy and stopped bothering about having a timely bath or dressing properly. He is always seen sprawling on the sofa in their drawing room, unmindful of his shabby undies. He altogether stopped caring about his appearance much to the chagrin of his wife. The embarrassed lady stopped allowing people inside her house.

With all this rich collection, the future suddenly seemed to be very bleak and nightmarish.

Again, my children came to my rescue. Armed with a load of information – both printed and hearsay, we again sat together to work out a plan to overcome the impending disaster.

First thing they warned me about was, to be extremely sympathetic and understanding with him. “He may be sulky and show frequent mood swings and irritability. You just ignore and be patient with him.”

I could not imagine how one can be patient with and ignore a sulky and moody person, that too a husband. Anyway I decided to try my level best… at least initially, till his blues go away.

“Never pass any offending comment…neither – what is the great hurry for you to get dressed up so early ; nor – why do you bathe so late in the day;  neither- why do you insist on having your meals on dot as in the old times ; nor – why don’t you have a timely lunch everyday? Don’t you ever mention about his having more free time now to do this thing or that thing. He will get offended like hell.” I nodded, silently memorizing all that.

“Don’t nag him like before, mum.” This is my daughter who is always her dad’s pet for being invariably on his side. “Try to understand. All these years, he had been toiling for our sake. Now he deserves some compassion from us all.” She preached as if he was a big martyr and a silent sufferer all along. I restrained my itching tongue from blurting out a suitable rejoinder.

I decided to take all their advices seriously and implement them from that moment itself.

As my children were leaving for their places of residence a couple of days later, I felt very lonely and terrified. They apologised for their inability to stay longer. Anyway I realised that I have to face the situation all alone sooner or later. I bravely decided to take up the challenge.

But life was not as I expected it to be. No, sir, not at all.

For 10-15 days I was very careful not to offend him in anyway. I was very watchful for any tell tale signs and symptoms that may indicate some frustration or depression and was itching to prove myself to be a cooperative and concerned spouse by helping him to come out of that.

But life was uneventful. He was relaxed and cheerful, in fact, like never before. Although I was apprehensive of a grave situation and getting myself ready to tackle such an eventuality, nothing untoward was happening, at least not yet. I began to wonder whether it is the proverbial lull before the big storm. So I continued to keep a vigil and observe him closely.

But still, he did not start to restrict my expenditure. Nor did he start inspecting my wardrobe or counting my saris. He did not bother to enter my kitchen and look at what is cooking there. Whenever I got a telephone call from my relatives or friends he politely and very discreetly went to the other room. Even after I put the receiver down did he evince any curiosity or interest as to who called or what I spoke. He was maintaining a regular routine and following  his own daily schedule quite meticulously much to my relief.

In fact he even expressed his happiness saying “Now that I have so much free time, I can catch up with all the reading I could not do while in service. I can at last enjoy my hobbies now that there are no work tensions and no hectic activity.”

I was confused to say the least. I did not know what to do as I was not prepared to face such a situation. I was not expecting that. Not withstanding all my newly acquired wisdom, I did not have a single clue as to how to deal with such a person.

Then one fine morning he said, “I want to talk to you.” I sensed what was coming and almost sighed out of relief. I quickly sat beside him and thought of holding and patting his hand encouragingly but decided against it as it would be too obvious. I held my breath and was all ears to hear what he was going to say.

He cleared his throat. “Don’t mistake me. It is about my retirement.” He paused. So at last it was impending, although a bit later than expected. My brain was going through all the advices and suggestions I got from my children, relatives and friends. I started rehearsing mentally my long prepared response and praying to God to guide me properly.

“I have been observing you for quite some time. I notice a drastic change in you. Probably it is due to my retirement. Am I right?”

My mouth went dry. So that was it. In spite of all my caution, he noticed some change in my behaviour. What could it be? Where did I fail? With great difficulty, I mumbled, “What change? Did I offend you in any way? Tell me what you want me to do. I will try to rectify.”

I waited eagerly as he shook his head. “Hmm.. yeah.. the point is, you are not your former self. Why are you so...so...artificial and contrived? You used to be very outspoken, criticising me and finding fault with me in each and everything. I miss all those fights and arguments. You are no longer ordering me around or delegating me one or the other domestic work. Why? What is your problem? Can I help you in any way? Are you finding it difficult to adjust to my retirement? Don’t take it seriously. Look at me. Relax and try to be your normal self. Otherwise I feel bored.” He was patting my hand and almost pleading.

It all sounded as if he borrowed and copied a leaf or two from my book. I felt cheated. Nobody briefed me in the least about how to handle such an abnormal and unconventional person. Tell me, how should one deal with such an easy going retiree of a husband?