SIN AND PUNISHMENT

Jamuna sat upright, shocked beyond words. She could not speak for a while. She remained gaping at the phone.

"Hello, hello, Madam, are you there?" The voice from the other end was almost shouting.

Jamuna shook her head and regained her wits. "Sorry, I could not speak. It is unbelievable. Are you sure? Is it.. is it.. really true?" She stammered with a slight hope that she did not hear correctly.

The lady on the other side was sympathetic. "I can understand your anguish, Madam. But unfortunately what I said is true. Your daughter attempted suicide. You and your husband please come here at once." Out of genuine sympathy, the considerate lady did not mention that Swati is no more alive. Very thoughtfully she wanted to spare the poor parents from the harsh truth, at least for a few hours. 'Of course they will come to know about that eventually. May God help them to face it.' She prayed silently, dabbing her wet eyes.

Jamuna is still in daze. What is this? How did this happen? Their only daughter, Swati is studying B. Tech. staying in a hostel since three years. By next year she will graduate. It is only two-three hours journey from their place. So now and then she visits them, not very frequently. One month back, she was here and was very chirpy and bubbly as usual. Even in the initial days also, she adjusted to the new surroundings and hostel life very quickly without much of homesickness or tension.

Then why this drastc step now?

Deepak, her husband was away in Delhi attending a conference. He was also equally shocked. "How is it possible?" He said. "Anyway you take the car and go immediately. I will come directly by night or at the most tomorrow morning. I will tell my P.S. Mohan to accompany you."

The warden of the hostel received her and escorted her to the guest room allotted to her. Only after reaching, she was told of Swati's death. It seems no suicide note was found.

The warden was in tears. "Swati is a very nice girl, pet of all. She is very disciplined and organised. Her room and her things are always in order. No unwanted visitors for her, no boyfriends. She never stayed outside late. She never created any problem or cause for complaint. I am very fond of her. Many times I felt like congratulating you for bringing her up so properly. Even now I can't believe she did this."  

A couple of her lecturers and some of the students also met her and expressed sorrow and shock. Nobody could guess or hint any probable reason for her suicide.

Aarthi, Swati's roommate, was also in tears when she met her.

"She was very friendly, aunty, very helpful too. In fact, yesterday she planned to go home to you."

Jamuna was surprised. "But it was not a holiday. And  she didn't come! In fact she didn't tell us even!"

"Yes, aunty, she wanted to surprise you. She was in a very elated mood and said she will not come to college. 'I feel like meeting my mummy' she said. I had a class at 8 O' clock and went to college as usual. When I came back in the evening, she was still in the room. She was very dull and off mood. Said she got a severe headache and cancelled the journey. I thought she was disappointed with that and consoled her saying, 'It's ok. You can go tomorrow.' Later in the night..." She broke down weeping. "Something must have happened that day. It was not just disappointment. I could not realise then. It's all my fault. I should have brought her out of her shell and cheered her up. But I did not even guess that she would..."

Jamuna sighed and patted her head.

"Is there any boyfriend or any jilted lover or... any other angle?" She enquired anxiously.

Aarthi shook her head. "No, aunty, I am sure. She is not a person to get entangled in such problems. She is respected and liked by all, boys and girls alike."

Later a young man came to meet her.

"My name is Rakesh. I am in the final year." He introduced himself. "We never met but I was looking forward to meet you and uncle. I know Swati. She is...she was a nice girl. I saw her when she newly joined the college. I was immediately drawn towards her. I heard she is..was a bright student. My cousin is in her class and he used to tell me about her. I liked her dignified manners, her reputation in the college, her pleasant nature."

He stopped and wiped his eyes. Jamuna was watching him intently. He appeared good looking and decent. She could guess what he was going to say.

He continued. "Last week I got selected in a prestigious company. Then I gathered courage and opened my heart to her. Yes, I proposed to her." His eyes welled with tears. "She was surprised initially. Then she said, 'I need some time to think over and I have to seek the approval of my parents. Then only I can give an answer to you.' I asked her anxiously about what is her opinion about me. She just blushed and I could guess she has...had no objection. But she insisted, 'I want to complete my degree first. Till then no meetings, no chattings or no outings.' I was very happy and was praying for your acceptance. But suddenly this..." He could not speak further.

Jamuna sighed. That must be the reason for her plan of a surprise visit home. She and Deepak would never refuse his proposal. He would have made a good match for Swati. Then why did Swati...? Was she scared that they would say no? Most unlikely, she shook her head. She knows they are very understanding parents. Anyway without talking to them first, she would not do like that. She shook her head.

After Deepak's arrival, all the formalities and rituals were completed and they returned home dejected and sorrowful.

Life was slowly limping back to sort of normalcy. But Jamuna could not come out of the grief so easily. It remained a nagging mystery as to why Swati had to take that daring step.

After 10-15 days, one day she felt like spending some time in Swati's room in their house, going through her belongings left behind there. Due to her frequent visits home, she kept some of her things there so that she can travel lightly whenever she chose. When she opened her cupboards, Jamuna's eyes are filled with tears. She searched for any clue that may provide answers to her unanswered questions. But no diary or letters or any jottings which could shed some light on the matter.

'Swati is a loving child. Why did she do this? What happened?' She remembered the postmortem report which ruled out any foul play or pregnancy or illness. Her grades are fine and she was the topper of her class. 'What other problems can a bright and sensible girl have? She is always open with me and close to me. She never appeared to be in any trouble. Or did she have any complaint about me or about Deepak? Is she angry with us? But she never gave any such impression. Never! When she came here last or when she spoke to us last, she was very pleasant and loving as usual. No, there is nothing like that. It is impossible that she had any grudge against us.'

She remembered Rakesh. When such a bright future was awaiting her, why did Swati take this drastic decision? Really puzzling. Or did she find anything negative about Rakesh? Even then, it is obvious that she was not so deeply in love with him to attempt suicide. 'What went through my little girl's mind?'

She shook her head. 'Why did you do this, my little girl? What problem did you have? What troubled you so much? Why didn't you confide in me, like you always did? Didn't you have enough confidence in me?' She wiped her eyes.

Something caught her eye in the cupboard. She peered and took it in her hand. It is the duplicate key of their house which is always with Swati. 'Oh, she must have forgotten it last time she visited, which is quite unusual. Normally Swati is never forgetful.'

After closing the cupboard a thought occurred to her. 'Aarthi said she planned to come home. Poor girl! Without prior intimation from her, if I was away from home, which is quite frequent, then she would have got disappointed having to wait for me unnecessarily.'

Though she knew that Swati did not come, she just wondered what she did that day.

Deepak was away on tour and she went out in the morning. 'But I did not stay out for long. I came back soon, within half an hour or so. Because  when I was there, Vinod called and...'

Suddenly she felt terrified. 'Oh, my god! Vinod! Yes, he came that day!' Her knees became weak and her whole body shuddered. She collapsed in the nearest sofa. Did she by any chance stumble on the answer to the unsolved puzzle?

She recollected what happened on that day.

As Deepak was out of station since three days, out of boredom and also as she needed some stuff, she left for the Supermarket nearby.

Then her mobile rang. It was Vinod.

"Good morning, madam" She hurriedly glanced around. Nobody familiar was spotted. "Why did you come and when?" She asked in a low tone. Without waiting for his reply, she muttered "Come home after ten minutes." Then she left for home.

Vinod is her childhood sweetheart. His many responsibilities and obligations, his small job, different caste etc. earned her father's disapproval and she had to marry Deepak. Later he opened a small provision store and prospered gradually. They continued to meet surreptitiously here and there whenever he happens to visit the town on some work. Deepak's frequent trips outstation provided them numerous opportunities.

After Swati left for the hostel, Jamuna became bold and invited him home on a few occasions. But they both preferred some hotels or any other locations for their secret rendezvous.

"Well, I had to meet someone here. So I came last night. How are things?"

She shrugged. "As usual. Deepak is away and Swati in the hostel. And I am here, all alone." She looked at him coyly.

He laughed. "Oh, madam is becoming bolder and bolder. What if either of them come now?"

She shook her head. "No chance. Deepak will be back only on Saturday. Swati has no holiday or vacation. And she never comes without telling me and never bunks college either." Then she remembered. "Did I tell you, last semester also she was the topper in the class." She looked at him proudly.

Vinod fell silent. Then he sighed. "You know, Jamuna, I feel like meeting Swati at least once and tell her the truth and be called 'Daddy' by her. At least once!"

Jamuna shut his mouth with her hand. "Shhh.. Are you crazy? Don't do any such foolish thing. Promise me. It will be damaging for me as well as our daughter." She said with fear.

He nodded in agreement. "Of course, I know. But sometimes...just like that..I wonder.."

Jamuna looked at him with sympathy. "I understand, Vinod, but we can't do anything about it. If Deepak knows, he will kill me first, then Swati and after that, you. Be happy that we are able to meet and enjoy like this." Then added. "If you want, next time you come, I will introduce you to her as a family friend and you can talk to her. But no revelation of any past. She will never be able to accept that. She will hate me like anything if she comes to know about this...."

That was the end of their conversation on the topic on that day. Then they went to the hotel where he was staying. She returned home by late in the evening.

Jamuna came back to the present with a jolt.

Could it be possible that Swati knew?..that her mother is cheating on her husband and that she herself is an outcome of their illicit relationship?

Her throat became parched. Cold sweat erupted on her forehead. She tried to control herself and think rationally.

As Arathi told, if Swati started there on that morning, she would have reached here by around 10:30-11:00 or so. Exactly when she was in the Supermarket. Was she in her room and overheard their conversation? And left home dejected and depressed after she went away with Vinod...to be back in the hostel by evening...in time when Arathi returned from classes?

She stared at the key which was in her hand still. Swati must have forgotten it on that day in her anguish and hurried departure. Now she could understand what troubled her little girl.

"Oh, Swati!" Her heart cried. 'What have I done? Why did I succumb to the temptation? Why did I become so promiscuous and selfish? Why didn't I think of the consequences? I can now fathom your grief...but it is too late. Why didn't you confront me? Or abused me to your heart's content? Why did you think of sniffing out your own young life? Why didn't you kill me instead of killing yourself? The sin is committed by me, why did you subject yourself to the harsh punishment? It is me, not innocent you, who has no right to live and deserved to die.'

Jamuna sobbed out of guilt, repentance and shame. 'There is no atonement for my soul.'

When Deepak came home from office, he found the lifeless body of his wife.

MAYA REMAINS A MYSTERY

When Hari told me about his impending foreign trip in a few days, I was really elated. I immediately told him that I would go to Hyderabad to my parents during his absence. It was almost six months since I visited them. I called mummy to convey the news. But my enthusiasm was dampened by mummy's unexpected response.

"That means you'll not be able to meet Maya this time too, then!" She exclaimed with disappointment.

I frowned at this unusual reply. Perhaps she could guess my irritation. So immediately she checked herself and enquired "How long Hari will be away? Hope you will be here at least three four weeks." It was more a question.

I controlled my anger and said in as pleasant a tone as possible, "Exactly, mummy. He will come back after three weeks. Hope by that time your Maya Memsahib will appear for me!" I could not resist being sarcastic.

Mummy laughed. "You, my weepy little baby! Not at all changed a bit! Still continue to be sulking at mummy at the smallest pretext?" I too laughed and hung up.

I first heard Maya's name two years back.

After retirement, my parents bought an apartment in a newly constructed complex. Mummy did not like the environment there right from day one. In our earlier rented flat, we used to have good company. All the neighbours were friendly and lively. Mummy used to be very active in community activities there with a bunch of lovely friends. My younger sister and I also enjoyed our life there.

I was in my degree second year when we moved to the new apartment. It was very thrilling initially, living in our own spacious flat. Mummy tried to strike friendship with other inmates but in vain. The people here are very different from our previous lot. There are thirty apartments in our building. Everyone confined to their own homes without any interaction with one another. And though mummy is friendly and social, she is never too pushing or enterprising. She abandoned her efforts and became morose and lonely and moody. Bhanu and I also failed to cultivate any friends there.

When I got married four years later, she refused to invite the other occupants to the function.

"They have no such practice here. In all these years we are here, we never got any invitation from anyone, though marriages were performed now and then and functions took place." She reasoned.

But daddy persuaded her. Very half heartedly she obliged but no one bothered to attend the marriage. And we were not surprised either. In fact if at all someone made his presence, we would have been shocked beyond words!  For Bhanu's marriage later, daddy also did not insist on inviting anyone from the flats.

All that changed drastically.

Two years back, I called mummy one day to enquire welfare. She spoke briefly and saying, "I will call you later. Now we have to go to some function in second floor.", she hung up.

I was surprised. The next day she called and said, "Sorry, Renu, could not speak then. A new family came on rent in second floor. Yesterday they had some puja and invited all over. It was good. They are very friendly and courteous. The lady, Maya is her name, is very active. I liked her friendly nature."

"Really! Very nice, mummy. Did all others attend?" I asked curiosly.

Mummy said " Well, only half came and a few just showed their face and left and some others did not bother."

But later mummy told there was a change in the people there. Maya dragged everybody out of their cocooned homes. Mummy and some other ladies who are social by nature, easily got attracted by Maya and they formed a close group. And became proactive. For festivals, Independence day, Republic day, New Year and the like, she started to coax everybody and organised some celebrations. She made a practice of holding bhajans and chantings at her home and slowly more and more women developed an interest in meeting others.

Occasionally she organised some games and events for residents of all ages and picnics and outings too. And now as mummy says, the building throbbed with life and spirit.

I developed some curiosity to meet the lady who revolutionalised lives there. Mummy added more colour to it.

When Hari went out of station on an official tour two three months later, I landed in Hyderabad. I noticed a new enthusiasm in mummy in contrast with dull and morose attitude of before. After I rested a little and relaxed, the doorbell rang.

It was Durga aunty from third floor. I remember her vaguely. Not very communicative. But now she is different. She brought some sweet dish especially for me. Then Vimala aunty from fifth floor, Sujatha from second floor, and many more whom I never knew. Now they are all very chummy chummy and interactive with one another. Earlier we didn't even know the names of many. Now all are very familiar with one another, their families, tastes, preferences, habits etc. I felt very happy with the changed atmosphere.

But as fate would have it, Maya was out of station visiting her parents throughout my stay there. I had to return to Delhi without meeting her.

Last year also when I next visited Hyderabad, she was away on a vacation tour in Europe and from there to their native place later with her husband. I stayed for two weeks. And had to come back before her return. But to my delight, things were same there, a happy and well interactive occupants ever loving and helping one another. And again six months back I went there on a short trip of 3-4 days to attend a marriage. Then she was away to attend some function in their family.

Like that it so happened I missed her on my every visit.

Now this opportunity! And mummy says she is not there!

"It seems she is also in the habit of running to her parents frequently, just like you!" Hari laughed and teased me. I shrugged and commenced my preparation for my journey.

I inquired about Maya after reaching Hyderabad.

"Vivek, her husband has gone abroad for a six week training and she has gone to her parents' and inlaws' places. They could be back by month end."

I was disappointed because I will be going back by then.

A couple of days after that, the ladies of the apartments planned a weekend trip to some tourist place nearby. We had a grand time there and came back very exhausted but happy,

Next morning Sujatha came running. "Do you know, aunty. Maya met with an accident and..and..."

She broke down sobbing. She stays in the same floor as Maya. Mummy and I ran to her puzzled.

"What, Sujatha, what are you saying?"

She tried to control and collect herself. "Just now I saw her cousin getting the things packed in her flat. He came yesterday, it seems. He told me that last week, Maya and her parents were going to visit some relatives and their car met with an accident. She died on the spot and her parents were injured. Vivek came for the funeral rites. But he did not feel like coming here. He told this cousin to vacate and hand over the flat. He will settle the dues and shift the luggage to their parents' place. Vivek may go back abroad or look for some other job somewhere else."

Meanwhile four five other ladies also gathered and some men too joined. Almost all were equally shocked.

"How shocking! Very unfortunate. Poor Vivek! Must be very difficult for him. They are such a loving couple."

"She is so young and active. Look at her fate! So untimely end! God is really cruel."

"We can't believe. How can she...? How could this happen so suddenly? Quite unbelievable indeed!"

"That's why I could not reach her number lately. And no reply to my emails too. I thought she must be busy with her people. But never even thought something might have happened to her."

All were very much moved and there were tears in everybody's eyes.

I came inside while there was still animated and emotional discussion outside.

After sometime mummy came inside, dejected and serious. Her face is tear stained.

"Mummy, show me her photo at least. I could not meet her in person. Now there is no chance of that any more." I asked.

Mummy looked at me blankly. "Photo? I don't have any. She used to carry a digital camera and go on clicking left and right. She showed the snaps to us later but I never thought of keeping some. I will enquire whether anyone else have any copy."

But surprisingly no one has any photo of her, not even in a group!

I was surprised. No photo even! Amazing indeed that nobody thought of keeping one as a memory.

I felt sort of empty inside. What happened? Who is this Maya? Came here two years back and changed the entire scene. Where did she come from? She made such an everlasting impression in the minds of these people. And now disappeared so suddenly. I did not have a chance to even to meet her! She remained a mystery for me.

Forever!

THE DAY OF THE ATTACKS

                                                                                                                        

That day started much like any other day. Yes, on the morning of  11th of September, 2001, we had the least idea of the things to happen later in the day. That morning- most of the previous day also for that matter- I was remembering my son in New York a lot. Of course, having both the children in the States, I go on thinking about them almost everyday, but more so on some particular days. We refer to them as days of ‘children blues.’ So I thought it was one of those days. The preceding weekend, Manjula, my ever dutiful daughter obliged us with the customary weekly phone call. But we did not receive the same from either Srinivas, my son or Ramya, his wife. They did not call on Monday morning also as my late latif son often does. But when there was no e- mail or phone call next day also from them, some sort of unexplained anxiety has driven us to call them on Tuesday morning. Of course, they are fine and could not call because they were unable to get the line. We chose to believe them and sighed in relief.

It all happened later.

In the evening, my husband went to Pune and at around 6:30 PM, as per my habit, I was watching some weepy daily soap on the TV when my niece rang up from New Mumbai. Very hesitatingly she broke the news of the New York attacks. She knows that Srinivas’ office is in the World Financial Center, the building next to the World Trade Center. I immediately switched channels and could just catch the second hit as it happened.

My heart sank and I was shell shocked. I frantically tried to call either Manjula or her husband Ravi or Srinivas or Ramya- anyone. But the lines were jammed and the calls did not come through. Manjula and Ravi live in N. Carolina away from the action but at that moment the whole of America seemed to me to be the center scene of terrorist attacks.

I was more worried about Srinivas and wife who live and work in New York.  He is a frequent flier to Boston, Chicago, Washington etc. I raked my brain to recollect whether he mentioned anything about going on a tour anywhere. It did not seem so. But still I was not sure as I thought he need not tell us about each of his trips, does he? And that thought added to the panic and confusion.

Then suddenly I remembered my nephew in Hyderabad. He, as per his job, spends most of his time on line and  on the net. With the hope that he may be able to gather some information on line from his numerous contacts all over the States, I rang him up. But lo- he said the whole of Andhra Pradesh was having a power failure due to the breakdown of some grid somewhere and so he was off line. 

Disappointed, I again went back to my watching the TV- and- dialing the phone- routine. Meanwhile more and more detailed visuals of the mayhem in US were pouring out of the TV screen. There were some more incidents also. I did not know what to do. Around 8 PM or so, Ramya’s mother called from Dubai giving the sweet news that all our people are safe in the States. With a sigh of relief I asked her the details. No, she could not speak to them personally. But through her niece in Boston she gathered the information. Much as I wanted to believe and convince myself, I did not know whether to relax or not. Anyway I did not give up my trials. After 15-20 minutes, my husband called on reaching his destination, blissfully unaware of the panic and chaos in the States and the aftershocks felt here. I told him about the call from Dubai and he also did not sound fully reassured.

Around 9O’ clock, suddenly I remembered the instrument called e-mail. Even if I could not get the telephone lines, I can always try and send an e-mail, I thought. It did not occur to me that the reverse also can happen. After I sent frantic mails to my children at all their ids known to me- (there were more than a couple of them for each) I learnt that there are new messages in my inbox. I opened and lo- there are messages from Manjula and Ramya – both were brief one liners informing their safety. I was overwhelmed with joy! My dutiful children, when they could not get the telephone lines, anticipated our anxiety and sent the e-mail immediately after the incident. It was I who saw them late.

After the initial excitement subsided, I read the mails again and realised that both of them are still in their workplaces and Srinivas is in his friend’s house near his office. Again doubts started raising. Would they be able to reach homes safely? I think it is an instinctive reaction on our part to associate home with safety. Isn’t it?

Anyway as there is some news, I relaxed a little. On the TV screen on every channel, I could see the New Yorkers running on the streets to get away from the fire and smoke. I was watching closely whether any face resembled that of either Srinivas or Ramya. At around 10PM I checked the mail again and this time there was one from Srinivas stating that he reached home safely. As he was nearest to the scene, it was a great news indeed. My husband, who was calling every half an hour or so to check for any news, was also relieved when told about the safety e-mails.

That day, till midnight, I was watching the horrible scenes being unfolded on the TV and was receiving phone calls from concerned well- wishers. I was also sharing the joy of some other friends  who were, like me, lucky to hear from their NRI offsprings or close relatives. 

On the 12th, my day started at 5:30 in the morning with the ringing of the telephone. No, it was not the kids but one more well wisher. Eventhough I was reassured of the safety of our children, I yearned to hear their voices. Also, I was, like so many others, apprehensive of more strikes to follow, the memories of the serial bomb blasts of Mumbai being still fresh in my mind. But thankfully there were no such reports.

The TV reports were disturbing, to say the least. So many lives were wiped away in a matter of minutes in such a ghastly manner. I shuddered at the thought that it could be my own children or children of known people. It is really frightening to realise that such a large number of precious lives were reduced to nothing in the hands of may be a handful or more frenzied persons. The aeroplanes which were hitherto considered to be a means of transport and comfortable travel have been used – or misused rather, as deadly missiles of mass destruction by perverse suicidal fanatics. The possibility never crossed the minds of civilised and sane persons like us, I bet.

On Wednesday, at around 9 AM the phone rang and the sweet voice of Srinivas was heard from the other side. It never sounded sweeter to me before. Slowly he described how he was in his office in World Financial Center, the next building across the street from the World Trade Center, when he heard the deafening sound and saw the smoke. He and his colleagues immediately ran down the nine flights of stairs and came down. Within minutes the second plane hit the south tower right before their eyes. Then they started to get away from it all and after a brief stay in a friend’s house nearby, he started  home which is 10-12 miles away. He walked all the way home which took slightly more than one hour.

My son was averse to walking. He always grumbles to walk even a few yards. He grudges even plane travel as it involves a lot of walking inside the airports.! My eyes moistened and out of pure maternal instinct and affection I blurted “How could you? Didn’t your feet and legs hurt?” He was rendered speechless for a moment. My query must have sounded silly to the poor fellow in that situation. Anyway as is expected of any anxious and dutiful mother, I advised him to be cautious and careful though I could not quite say in which way. My daughter, though away from the scene, could   get the line only by Wednesday evening.

Some 2-3 days after the devastation, I went to the terrace of our building for an after-dinner stroll. The horizon was lined with the numerous skyscrapers of amchi Mumbai. Suddenly a thought crossed my mind. Suppose, if some horrible thing happens tomorrow and if any or all of those familiar landmarks yonder collapse and disappear….? I could not even imagine how it will feel like – going to the terrace and finding either smoke or vacuum in the place of those familiar tall buildings there. Will it be like looking into the mirror and not seeing our own face? The thought itself was frightening. Suddenly, I don’t know why, but my eyes welled up and involuntarily I started crying. Yes, I cried my heart out. I was not sure whether it was due to sorrow or pain or fright or disgust or shame or guilt or a bit of all.

Or on second thoughts, was it partly out of relief and joy perhaps?

Because, even at the risk of sounding selfish and inhuman, I must admit that I felt grateful and glad for my children’s safety. But when I think about thousands of mothers who were not so fortunate as I and thousands of innocent children who were not so lucky as mine, I shudder and feel sort of ashamed of belonging to human race whose members do not think twice or hesitate to wipe away a large number of their own innocent brethren. It is really a shameful blackmark on the entire mankind as well as in the human history itself. It really leaves a disgusting foul taste in the mouth.

But no… Then I remember, -about so many concerned friends and acquaintances who called us either personally or by phone to convey their anxiety; -about some real heroes out there who tried and saved total strangers at the risk of their own lives; -about the kind human beings who tried to sympathise and share the grief of the affected fellow human beings; -about the firefighters and rescue workers- many of whom even lost their lives and the rest struggling against exhaustion and weariness for the sake of fellow people entirely unknown to them. Then I feel proud of being a human being. I feel proud of all these people and salute them.